When I was younger I was very right-wing. I mean…very right-wing. I won’t go into detail, because I’m very deeply ashamed of it, but whatever you’re imagining, it’s probably at least that bad. I’ve taken out a lot of pain on others; I’ve acted in ignorance and waved hate like a flag; I’ve said and did things that hurt a lot of people.
There are artefacts of my past selves online – some of which I’ve locked down and keep around to remind me of my past sins, some of which I’ve scrubbed out, some of which are out of my grasp. If I were ever to become famous, people could find shit on me that would turn your stomach.
But that’s not me anymore. I’ve learned so much in the last ten years. I’ve become more open to seeing things through others’ eyes, and reforged my anger to turn on those who harm others rather than on those who simply want to exist. I’ve learned patience and compassion. I’ve learned how to recognise my privileges and listen to others’ perspectives. I’ve learned to stand up for others, how to hear, how to help, how to correct myself. And I learned some startling shit about myself along the way – with all due irony, some of the things I used to lash out at others for are intrinsic parts of myself.
You wouldn’t know what I am now from what I was then. You wouldn’t know what I was then from what I am now.
It distresses me deeply to think of someone dredging up my dark, awful past and treating me as though that furiously hateful person is still me. It distresses me to see others dredging up the past for anyone who has made efforts to become a better person, out of some sick obsession with proving they’re “problematic.”
Purity culture tells you that once someone says or does something, they can never go back on it. That’s a goddamn lie. While it’s true that some remain unrepentant and never change their ways and continue to harm others, it’s important to allow everyone the chance to learn from their mistakes. Saying something ignorant isn’t murder. Please stop treating it that way. Let people grow.
Look guys, I don’t want to name names or cause any unnecessary drama, but you know when you see some fanart and you can tell the artist really loves the characters and some deep part of them connects emotionally with their story and it shows in their treatment of the material? I love that.
everyone is embarrassed of their fourteen year old self trust me if you’re fourteen right now you will regret whatever it is that you are doing at this moment
What, being a SuperWhoLockian, Tumblrian, and just being generally pretty good? I don’t think so.
screenshot this and look at it in 3 years
Wow holy shit guys, it’s been approximately 5 years and I’m drunk enough to not regret finally acknowledging this Surprise surprise, I was that kid I know the above is the most cringy 14 year old thing to say, but hot damn y’all I was a child and I had just found an online community of people where being a fucking nerd was “hella cool” and oh my god I was having a blast, and with my new fragile self confidence I decided to say “no I don’t regret what I’m doing/what I like right now at this moment because I don’t hate myself and that’s pretty neat!” And y’all remember 2012-2013 tumblr that shit was absolutely cringy, I was just repeating phrases I’d heard. But then, it got turned into a “laugh at the child” and then I got dozens upon dozens of hate messages and my confidence about literally everything got shattered I had messages telling me to kill myself and messages calling me a snowflake and an idiot and a c*nt and all those other words that are meant to hurt you. Even years after I changed my URL, I’d get a sinking pit in my stomach whenever I’d see this post go around again because I knew I’d get those three or four snide anons asking “so do you regret it?” And yes I absolutely do, fuck off So yeah, I was a stupid tumblr kid and probably shouldn’t have commented But I didn’t deserve the onslaught of hateful messages So now y’all know, it’s me Surprise, or whatever
hello! I’m sorry for dragging you through the mud in the first place. seventeen-year-old me was not as evolved as she thought, which I’m sure is a surprise to no one. there were absolutely tons of comments exactly like yours, but it got singled out just because I was going through a sarcastically-responds-to-comments phase and I happened to see it. I’ve heard people use this post as an example of how young teens are stupid & don’t know anything, and I’m sorry that you became the poster child of that patronizing and invalidating idea.
sidenote, who the FUCK calls a 14 yr old a c*nt & tells them to kill themselves??
Thank you for commenting, op ❤ I really don’t blame you at all for what you said, I want to call out my 14 year old self just as badly lmao But I really appreciate the overwhelming positive response to this I’d hope we can sort of grow as a community from this, but I won’t get my hopes up lol
Holy shit this went so much better than I expected.
the cool thing about reading and analyzing a body of text is that there are multiple ways to interpret it and not everyone has to agree. entire diverging philosophies and schools of thought can be applied to every text under the sun and you’ll get a different result. esp if you believe in death of the author. I find it useful and enlightening when reading fandom meta to pay close attention to whether the person discoursing seems like they are more interested in explaining why they feel the way they do about something, or in tearing down people who disagree with them. When you start paying attention to who is saying “I find this interesting and for whatever reason it inspires me to create content” vs those who are saying “the people espousing opinions that differ from mine are bad and wrong and bad” it can be a p interesting exercise.
I personally prefer my experience within fandom to be a positive one that encourages content creators b/c it’s actually very easy and simple to curate my experience to include things I like and exclude things that upset me without feeling the need to attack ppl who identify with things differently than I do, interpret things differently, or have opposing interests. idk. food for thought
There is nothing more important you can do in the world right now than striving to love and believe in yourself.
People are good. You’re good. I believe that from the bottom of my heart, and I’m never going to stop. I’m tired and exhausted of the world that has taught us to hate and fear ourselves and each other.
I’m not having it, and I refuse to partake. Especially here, where I am surrounded largely by young people, progressives, LGBT people, people who care and fear for the state of the world.
No matter who you are, no matter what you like or don’t like, no matter what you’re doing:
We need you. I need you. Your voice matters, your feelings matter, your life matters. You bring good into the world. Never doubt that for a second. Believe it about yourself ruthlessly, lovingly, desperately and without compromise.
And believe it about the friends and loved ones around you, too.
Especially now when there are so many with so much power who have forsaken their identities, their logic and reason, the foundation of their very worlds along with their hearts’ capacity to truly care about others in any genuine way, believing in ourselves and the people who accept and love us as we are is vital. We cannot afford to do less.
I’m putting my letter I sent to him first, I understand the length might turn you off but I recommend you read it if you want context with some of the stuff Kaplan responses to but it’s not vital. Also, I blocked out some personal stuff, along with my location.
And then here’s Mr. Jeff Kaplan’s response:
Bless Mr. Kaplan, we’re really lucky to have a dev like him who’s willing to hear his fans. And while we love to revere Mr. Kaplan as almost a demi-god, I feel like this letter made him very human and kind. WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY!!
Don’t act like dicks towards real women in an attempt defend the honour of fictional women.
reminder that content creators in fandom are overwhelmingly statistically likely to be queer women and attacking real people for engaging with fictional works in ways you don’t identify with, enjoy or want to see is probably not the best way to support & encourage queer women, narratives & media.
lift up what you like. create the content you want to see and encourage others who are creating that content. a supportive environment and collaborative fandom is so much more diverse, productive, interesting and pleasant to exist in than one where ppl become afraid to publicly post their fanworks due to relentless negativity and purity policing.
we all deserve content that we relate to, but no one is entitled to receive Their Thing from any one specific creator. so many artists and writers accept requests and commissions. if you arent satisfied by the representation Your Thing has in the fandom, create or encourage/support its creation. negativity wont result in more of Your Thing!
fandom is something that is ultimately born out of a place of love – love for a thing that inspires us to pour hours upon hours of energy into discussion, into art, into fiction, into community projects. it’s something that connects people who otherwise would never meet and can result in lifelong bonds. fandom literally changes people’s lives. i would have never met my wife without it. i would have never met my best friends. I wouldn’t be living where I am now, I wouldn’t have the job I have now, my life has been shaped by the connections I made in various fandoms throughout the years.
you can do so much good out here. don’t be the reason fandom changes someone’s life for the worse when you have the power to empower, encourage and support – again, overwhelmingly queer women – instead.
Sometimes, I sure wish people would just like talk to me instead of being weird vipers about stuff.
But like, here we are, and if you try to make anything ultimately there will be people who don’t like what you think or don’t agree with it. I think most of the time the best thing to do even in those cases is to talk about it! So I try to, and I’ve made a lot of fantastic friends recently just by opening conversations and being honest about what I like and how I feel.
I’ve seriously made SO many more friends than I’ve lost that way, and I’m kind of the most fulfilled I’ve ever been socially speaking for it. I’ve even made friends with people I’ve really strongly disagreed with in some respects. It’s been great!
But it hasn’t always gone that way obvs. Other times I’ve gotten people making fun of me or being disingenuous or even downright mean about stuff and like, w.e, you know, that’ll happen. So I wanted to write about how I handle that stuff and why I approach it the way I do. Here’s that ramble.
My response to that kind of thing is always the same.
It’s what I recommend everyone engaging with fandom does when confronted with stuff like that:
Block, blacklist, and forget their names. Don’t give anyone the benefit of even being a voice in your head to make you hate or doubt yourself.
Ultimately, I do everything I do with a specific perspective. My life p much fell apart in November, and now my entire sense of self and sanity is based on the reality in my head that there’s fucking Nazis out there, and they want to kill anyone with values even remotely like mine.
By and large that goes for the people who have been cruel or bizzare to me, too. I don’t really spare any resentment or anger in my heart for anyone on those terms because ultimately we’re all angry and pissed off and tired and in danger. I like to live with high hopes and a light heart, and where people upset me enough for me to distance myself, I try to remember them only insofar as in wishing them well on their path of experience and learning.
But the fact that I understand and wish I could make it better doesn’t mean that I owe it to anyone who clearly isn’t interested in genuinely engaging with me the time of day. And there are real, visceral dangers in our lives right now that deeply wish to overtake us.
Sometimes I can’t get out of bed thinking about how doomed I think we are. Sometimes it stalls me out when I’m working, or writing, or driving. Sometimes my thoughts are too jittery and nervous and closed in for me to even talk just with the amount of damnation and fear and self-loathing pent up in my own head.
So like, I don’t need extra help on that front from people who aren’t willing to actually have a conversation, you know? And probably neither do you, because like…who does really. We all have lives to live.
Part of why I do what I do here and talk about Homestuck positively so much is that I think a sense of unity and kinship is important in progressive spaces, and I can’t imagine a better story to encourage that than this inherently anti-fascist, anti-materialistic epic founded on the existential worthiness of LGBT love.
Part of why I do what I do here is an attempt to stoke a mentality of togetherness. Because on some level I hope I can make friends with people and feel less alone in the fucked up hellworld we seem to be stuck in.
So I’m invested in positivity and kindness and I don’t think being a “cool mean gay” is useful progressive praxis. I’ll readily distance myself from people who employ it at me, since it isn’t useful or constructive. And if you’re interested in experiencing online relationships in a way that isn’t exhausting and vicious I earnestly suggest picking up the habit!
Most people aren’t like that anyway, though, which is an encouraging thing I’ve learned over the last couple months.
Most people are kind and honest and willing to talk about stuff, so long as you give them the time. Don’t ever let small minorities of the mean-spirited stop you from putting art or thoughts out there that are unique and yours and full of love, no matter how loud they are. Don’t let the darkness of some discourage you from sharing your light with the many.
Whoever you are, reading this, know that I think you’re cool and smart and that we could probably have some interesting conversations if you talked to me as an equal. And know that most people think that way, too! There’s no need to let some make you feel down about yourself just because they don’t. It’s their loss.
Hopin to post that Jane meta by the end of the week! It’s p much finished, I’m just nervous and trying to polish my editing as much as possible.
Flying through Storytelling 